


Faking It

by chasingkerouac, spaceorphan



Category: Ant-Man (Movies), Captain America (Movies), Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), Thor (Movies)
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff, Friendship, Humor, Love, Mistaken for Being in a Relationship, Multi, Romance
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-31
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2019-10-01 10:30:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17242631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chasingkerouac/pseuds/chasingkerouac, https://archiveofourown.org/users/spaceorphan/pseuds/spaceorphan
Summary: One night at a party, Nick Fury tells a story about how he once 'dated' Janet Van Dyne.  After being called out that it was a fake-dating story, each of the Avengers take turns recounting the times when they've been in fake dating situations.





	1. Chapter 1

As the party wound down, the core Avengers team, and their families, found themselves the ones left in Scott Lang’s living room -- crammed together on couches and chairs and sprawled out on the floor.  They were laughing, joking, have a relaxing time - something they don’t get to do very often, not as a big group anyway. The wine flowed freely, complements of Tony Stark of course, and as each of them had a few glasses in them, the rowdier they became in their stories.  

Eventually, as usually the case, Nick Fury, having a tad too much to drink, stood up and held his glass high.  Nick had a habit of calling attention to himself after hitting the tipsy place, and he waited for people to settle down before he went ahead with his favorite past time.  Telling his stories. 

“Ladies and gentleman,” he called out.  “Did I ever tell you the time that I…”

“Probably,” Rhodey interjected in a fit of laughter.  

Nick grumbled, giving him a mean eye.  “You laugh every time, but you haven’t heard all my stories…”

“From the good ole days,” Steve finished for him, putting his feet up on the coffee table, and resting his hands behind his head.  “Nick, you’re as predictable as they come.” 

“Which one is this about?” Maria asked.  “Oh, is it the one about how you lost your eye? Because we haven’t heard that one a million times.”

“Or the one about the time where you lost your virginity to an alien!” Sam said, with a raised glass. 

“Wait,” Bucky said, leaning into Sam.  “I haven’t heard that story.” 

“Yeah, he lost his virginity to an alien.” 

“Oh.”  

“What about the one with the goat?” Thor boomed.  “That is a good one. Because there is a goat. And I like goats.  I would much like to hear that one again.” 

“You guys can make fun of me all you want,” Nick said with a wave of his hand.  “But you haven’t heard them all.” 

“Oh yeah, well tell us one you haven’t told us,” Clint said.  

Nick pursed his lips together.  “What about the time I dated Janet Van Dyne.”  

All heads whipped in the direction of where Hope Van Dyne was sitting at the other end of the living room.  

She shrugged it off.  “You did not date my mom.  My parents were college sweethearts.”  

“Dude, you can’t just make up stories about my girlfriend’s mom,” Scott added.  “Not cool.” 

Nick gave a smirk.  “I promise you this is not a made up story.  It was the summer of ‘72. Janet and I were on a mission in Cairo.  See, to infiltrate this base we had to be a married couple who…” 

“Yeah, uh, Nick,” Tony interjected, “Nice story, but, uh, I’m gonna stop you there and offer a critique.   It’s not a real dating story if you aren’t actually dating.” 

“Well, I mean…” Nick started.  

“Let’s fast forward a bit.  Did you hook up at any point in this story?” Tony asked.

“I mean not technically,” Nick said.  “We had to pretend to…” 

“Not a real dating story,” Tony said, unimpressed.

“Well, I haven’t told the full story, we…” 

“It’s a fake dating story,” Nat called out loudly.  “Which I’m sure is great - but don’t act like we haven’t all had great fake dating stories.” 

“Now, that can’t possible be true,” Nick scoffed.  

“It so is,” Nat shook her head at him.  “C’mon guys, it’s story time. Let’s get all close and personal and share our favorite fake dating stories.  Who’d like to go first?”


	2. Sam & Bucky

It’s hard silencing this group, but Natasha’s not so subtle attempt the shove someone in the spotlight did the job.  “Really?” she asked after a full minute. “You’re all too chicken. This is a circle of trust.”

“I’m not sure Hawkeye’s wife would agree with that,” Peter mumbled to Ned, the two of them on the floor with their backs against the walls since Rhodey and Sam claimed they were, quote, ‘young and healthy and can leave the couches to the adults’.

“What?” Ned whispered.  “What’s going on?”

“Do you have a story, Peter?” Natasha asked sweetly.  

Peter’s eyes went wide.  “Wait, how did you hear me?  I was quiet this time.”

“Your lips were moving and you turned your head towards your friend,” she pointed out.  “Do you have something to share with the class? A tale that might make your aunt blush?”

“Oh… I hope not,” May sighed taking a sip of her beer.

Peter shook his head.  “No. No I don’t. I wasn’t… I mean…”

“Hey, lay off the kid, Natasha,” Steve interceded.  “I have a story.”

“Does it involve you single-handedly taking out a HYDRA base in Nazi Germany while wearing a wedding dress that ended up on you when you ran through a woman’s back yard Bugs Bunny style and was then forced to pretend to marry her to preserve her honor?” Tony asked.  

The group just stared at him.  Steve cocked his head in confusion.

Tony shrugged.  “Look, if no one’s going to jump in, then I’m going to make up my own stories and it seems plausible enough that a giant golden retriever would only have a story where he was preserving m’lady’s honor and every goddamn word out of his mouth is in the tune of an old timey radio drama.”  He took a drink. “I can go on.”

“I was saying,” Steve continued, “that I have a story.  It involved Bucky.”

“Oh, fuck,” Bucky groaned.

“And Sam,” Steve added.

“Goddamn it,” Sam bit back.

“And a Christmas sweater with a light up reindeer.”

“This tale of valor and falsehoods is required!” Thor laughed.  “Which one of you wore this delightful outfit?”

Bucky swore again and raised his hand.  “Okay, fine. If Steve’s gonna run his mouth…

 

* * *

 

_One Year Ago_  
_Washington, DC_

“I dealt with these people as the Winter Soldier,” Bucky insisted as he and Sam walked down the block to the meeting place.  “They’re going to recognize me.”

“No, they dealt with Pierce, who dealt with you, and if I remember correctly from when you tried to throw me off the 395 overpass you had on a mask and the worst winged eyeliner I’ve ever seen.”

“If they recognize me, people are going to die.”

Sam took a deep breath and stopped in the middle of the sidewalk.  “No one’s going to recognize you.”

“How can you be so sure?”

“Because you brushed your hair and put on a normal amount of layers, so you don’t look like a sad hobo.  You’re fine. Steve made the connection but he can’t do the pick up because, you know… he’s Captain America and you can get his face on a t-shirt in Target.”

“Is the hotel close?”

Sam nodded.  “Yeah. It’ll be simple.  We’ll go in. We’ll meet the guy in the ballroom.  We’ll get the flashdrive. And we’ll be out. You’ll be back in your sad hobo bed in a few hours.”  He cocked his head as the set off down the sidewalk again. “Do you have a bed? Do you supersoldiers sleep?  Like, is that a thing that you do?”

“I hate you.”

 

* * *

 

“This is the ballroom,” Bucky said, as he stared at the festive crowd gathered and socializing.

“Yeah.”

“It’s not empty.”

“No.”

“It looks like a Christmas party.”

“Nothing gets by you, does it?”

“You see the problem?”

Sam sighed.  “Yeah, everyone’s in ugly sweaters.  And we’ll stick out like sad hobos without one.”

Bucky glanced at a couple leaving the festivities.  “Hang on.”

“Wait, what are you…” Sam trailed off, but Bucky was gone.  “Jesus, just don’t kill them,” he muttered.

Five minutes later, Bucky was back, wearing the man’s blinking Rudolph sweater and adjusting his glove to make sure that his arm is fully covered.  “I bought it from him,” Bucky answered before Sam could ask. “Come on, let’s go get this over with.”

The party was packed, and their contact was nowhere to be seen.  “We should check the back,” Bucky murmured.

Before Sam could agree, a woman pushed through the crowd and wrapped her arms around Sam’s neck.  “Donald, oh my god, I didn’t think you were going to make it!”

Sam’s eyes went wide as he pulled back to take a look at the little old woman.  “I’m sorry…”

“Oh, goodness, you’ve gotten tall,” she cooed.  “Oh, sweetie, it’s Marjorie. Marjorie Blankenfeld.  You’ve never seen me without my glasses on,” she chuckled.  

“Right,” Sam agreed.  “Such a different look.  Why don’t you… have your glasses on?”

Marjorie waved him off.  “Uncomfortable things. Ghastly.  Leaves marks on my nose. And besides, I don’t actually need them anyways.  I see perfectly fine without them. And I would know you anywhere, glasses or not.”

“Yes, I see that you would,” Sam chuckled. “Sorry to run, but we have to-”

“Oh, is that someone with you?” Marjorie asked, squinting towards Bucky.  “Oh… oh is that your husband? Did you finally get him to come out with you?”

Sam froze.  “Yes… yes this is my husband.  James?” he said, reaching over and linking arms with Bucky.  “James, darling, this is Marjorie. Marjorie, this is James. My… wonderful husband.”

“Oh, James, it’s so lovely to finally meet you.”

“And you as well, ma’am.”

“Such wonderful manners.  Do you also work as a lawyer?”

Bucky nodded.  “Yes. Yes… I am also a lawyer.”

“Donald told me how you two met, it’s such a sweet story.”

“Yes, but my snugglebunch here hates to rehash that story,” Sam jumped in.  “He thinks I just yak yak yak and who can blame me? Because I just… love him so much.”

Marjorie beamed.  “Oh, just look at you two.  I can always tell a pair who are in love.  Have you found the mistletoe corner yet?”

Sam ignored the feeling of Bucky’s metal fingers pressing into his side as they ‘held’ each other.  “No. And we really need to-”

“Oh, let me take you over there!  My friend Tabitha is a dreadful woman will just hate to see two men kiss,” Marjorie chuckled.  “Let’s go give that old bitch a heart attack, shall we?” She linked her arm with Bucky and pulled the pair of them to the corner.

 

* * *

 

“Wait, you can’t stop the story there!” Scott insisted.  

“We hung out with Marjorie, who accidentally pointed us in the right direction to our contact and we got the flashdrive,” Bucky explained flatly.  “Mission accomplished.”

“And story over,” Sam added.

Scott shook his head.  “Nope, nope you are forgetting the best part.  What happened when you got to the mistletoe corner?  Did you kiss? Was it true love? Did you realize that you were meant to be with your snugglebunch forever?”

Bucky pinched the bridge of his nose.  “Wekissedunderthemistletoetokeepourcover,” he mumbled.

“I’m sorry, what was that?” Tony asked.  “Not all of us have chemically enhanced hearing.”

“We had to keep our cover,” Sam grumbled.  “So yes… we… kissed under the mistletoe. Plus, it really did irritate Tabitha and Marjorie seemed like a nice little old lady.  By that point she’d introduced us to three friends from her neighborhood, a couple from church, her accountant and her girlfriend, who since they were also gays we might know the same people and wouldn’t that be nice, and then her husband found her and we were able to break away.”

“It’s one of my favorite Christmas stories,” Steve chuckled.  

“Yeah, we really bonded,” Sam added, grinning at Bucky.  “Isn’t that right, snugglebunch?”

“I still hate you.”


	3. Tony & Bruce

Tony fell over laughing.  “Snugglebunch! I love it. That might be the most ridiculous thing I ever heard.  I’m gonna call you both Snugglebunch from here on out. Fits perfectly.”

“Oh, Tony, knock it off,” Bruce piped up.  

“No, really, I love it,” Tony said trying to contain himself.  “I mean, they pretended to be together for a mission and ended up each other’s Snugglebunches.  It’s fantastic.”

“Please,” Bruce said.  “You once pretended to date me for some free food.”  

“What?” Tony looked shocked.  “That did not happen.”

“It did, too,” Bruce waved him off.

Everyone paused, waiting to hear if they’d be getting a story.

“Yes, please, tell us more,” Steve said with a wink

“I did not know this was a thing,” Rhodey said.  “Tony, did you cheat on me with Bruce?”

“I didn’t even know this was a thing,” Pepper, who had come back into the room holding a glass of wine, said.  “Tony, did you cheat on me with Bruce?” She laughed as she sat next to a disgruntled Tony.

“Okay, here’s the story,” Bruce said, ignoring Tony’s glare.  “It was a few years ago. We were both at a science conference in Chicago waiting to hear esteemed scientist Reed Richards speak about some new developments in unstable molecules and…”

“Okay, stop, you’re boring them,” Tony said, cutting him off, pinching his nose.  “God, I’m starting to remember this - and why you would make a horrible boyfriend.”

“Yeah, well, you’re not exactly Prince Charming yourself,” Bruce shot back.  “So, we were in Chicago and Tony had a little too much to drink at brunch…”

Tony lets out a groan.  “I had one drink at the hotel and no food. That is why I was looking for food.”

“Do you want to tell the story?”

“Clearly, since you can’t seem to remember any of the details… So, Chicago….”

 

***

 

_Three Years Earlier_

_Chicago_

“I’m bored.”

“Tony, it’s been twenty-minutes.  The talk hasn’t even started yet.”

“We should find something interesting to do.”  

Bruce stopped in the middle of the conference hall hallway.  “You don’t find this interesting? Some of the greatest minds are here - Reed Richards, Nathaniel Essex, Otto Octavius.  I think I might have even seen that Charles Xavier was in attendance.”

“Isn’t that the mutant guy?” Tony asked.  “If they’re going with mutants, they should have gone with Hank McCoy.  I’d think he’d be more of interest to you, too -- or do you only pair up with people of the same fur color?”  

“I don’t have fur…” Tony poked at Bruce’s side, but Bruce swatted him away.  “What’s your problem? We were invited by Helen Cho to hear some of the most intelligent minds on the planet - the least you can be is civil.”   

“Yeah, they’re fine,” Tony said, looking around, clearly needing something to occupy his brain.  “I mean some of their work is a little… fantastical, wouldn’t you say?”

“Tony…”

“I mean advanced cloning on human subjects is a little mad scientist, and I feel much better with my superbots… oh, look, no one said there was a party going on next door.”  

Tony stopped, abruptly, at the sign for the next conference room:  

 

  **Annual West Chicago LGTBQIA Meet and Greet!  Free Food for the Entire Community!**

 

“Oh, look Bruce!” Tony’s eyes lit up.  “Baby rainbow cupcakes. We should go in.”

“Tony, no…” Bruce said, only half-heartedly, before following Tony inside.  

Before they got too far, they were created by a very effeminate sounding young man.  

“Hel-lo-o, my name is Jim and welcome to the LGTBQIA Meet and Greet,” the young man said, a bit too enthusiastically for Tony’s taste.  “And, oo-eee, lookie here, we have a couple of silver foxes joining us.”

“Did he just call us old?” Tony said, looking to Bruce.  “I think he just called us old.”

“Nothing wrong with a little experience,” Jim said, then ran his fingers lightly up Bruce’s arm.  “You are delicious aren’t you - I’d play Meg Ryan opposite you in a rom-com.”

“Don’t touch that, that’s mine,” Tony said, as unexpectedly to himself as Bruce.  

Jim didn’t seem offended in the least.  “Well then,” he looked Tony up and down.  “Did anyone tell you - you look just like Tony Stark?”

“Yes, well, um, I get that all the time,” Tony beamed.  “But no, I am his better looking, but equally as brilliant younger cousin, Mark.”

Bruce chortled into his fist.  “Mark Stark? Really?”

“It’s a sophisticated name.  And this is, uh, my husband…” Tony grabbed Bruce’s hand and pretended to pat it fondly.  “Bob.”

“I prefer Robert.”

“Bob - you know you aren’t as sophisticated as I am.  Don’t try to be.”

“Well,” Jim said, throwing back his head with a laugh.  “If you guys ever want to open up that marriage a little…”

“Oh, no, we probably shouldn’t,” Tony said.  “This guy gets really green with jealousy pretty easily.”

Bruce shook his head at him.  

“Well, I’m available with my own little iron man if you’re ever interested,” Jim said.  

“Wait, really?” Tony asked.  Jim nodded, Tony completely missing the flirtation there.  “That’s a trademarked thing, you know. You can’t technically use it.  What kind of AI do you employ?”

Bruce leaned into Tony and whispered, “He’s talking about his penis.”

“Oh.” For once in his life, Tony was completely stunned into silence.

“You know, Mark and I are very happy together, but thank you,” Bruce said, leading Tony away.  

“The youth these days,” Tony muttered.

It wasn’t a second later, however, that Tony was back to being distracted by the large buffet of food sitting there ready to be eaten.  Before he could grab a plate, however, a brunette intercepted him.

“Hi, I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m Marcy,” the girl said.  “I’m a writer for the West Chicago Tribune. I couldn’t help but hearing that you’re you’re a married couple? Do you think I could get a couple of quotes from you? We don’t get a lot of older, married couples here, and it’d be great representation for our community.”

Tony let out a sigh.  “Do I really look that old?”

“Yes,” Bruce answered without hesitance.  

“Maybe I should start dying my hair.”

“The silver looks nice, you should keep it.”

“Oh, you really think so?”

“Um, guys?” Marcy interrupted.

“Um, Marcy, that’s nice,” Bruce said. “but we’re kind of private people…”

“Just a couple of questions?  Please?”

“Let the girl ask her questions, Bob,” Tony said.  Bruce shot him another annoyed look.

Marcy, however, was delighted.  “So, how long have you guys been a couple?”

“Two years.”

“Since college.”

Marcy gave them a confused look.  

“Well, I met Bob at college, and we’ve been married for two years,” Tony corrected.  

“What does it mean to you guys to be a part of the LGTBQIA community?”

“Well, uh…” Bruce looked to Tony for help, but Tony let him take it.  “It’s been an incredible pleasure to finally, uh, be able to say all the things, uh, I wanted to say.  And be able to be open about my relationship. With Mark. Mark Stark. The apple of my eye. And to all of the young people out there - I hope that you have the courage to be true to who you are.  You are truly amazing, and we are truly inspired by you…”

“This isn’t an awards show, Bob, wrap it up,” Tony elbowed Bruce in the side.

“It’s...an honor,” Bruce ended a little awkwardly.  

“Okay, I have one more question,” Marcy said.  “If you’re a Stark - do you know Captain America and Thor?  And, god, aren’t they the dreamiest?”

Tony rolled his eyes so hard.  “Aren’t you supposed to be a lesbian or something?”

“I’m bisexual,” Marcy replied.   “And like who wouldn’t want to be the middle of that delicious, buttery ab-tastic sandwich.”

Tony made a gagging noise.  “I think I almost threw up. You know what -- I have seen them, both, in person and honestly, not that good looking.  I say that, now, as a, um, gay man -- who has a husband.”

Bruce shrugged.  “I don’t know, they’re both twice the superhero that Tony Stark is.  I’d let them see my little iron man”

“Traitor.”

Marcy skipped off, happy with her answers.  Tony once again went for the plates, and once again was stopped by another young gentleman in glasses.  The young man, however, wasn’t interested in Tony.

“Excuse me, are you Dr. Banner?” he asked Bruce.  

Tony shot Bruce a sharp look. “Nope, this is Bob, and he’s not interested because he’s starving and would very much like some food.”

“Oh,” the young man looked completely devastated.  “I’m just so interested in the work Dr. Banner did - I’d love to hear him talk about his gamma-radiation experiments…”

***

“...and then the young man went away, and Bruce fought a lesbian over a dinner roll. The end,” Tony said wrapping up the story.  

“That’s not what happened,” Bruce scoffed.  “I had a nice conversation with the young gentleman about science.”

“Yeah, yeah, and I was bored to death for forty minutes,” Tony rolled his eyes.  

“I don’t know why you’re complaining,” Bruce said.  “You got your free meal out of it.”

“Yes, but I had to listen to you babble on about Intro to Thermodynamics and Gamma Rays and all that stuff they teach you in Freshman Physics 101.”

“Tony, you love science.”

“Yeah, when I’m the one doing it.”

Bruce sat back and thought about it.  “Is that why you were upset that day? Because you weren’t one of the keynote speakers?”

“Well, you know, I am the most brilliant mind in engineering and robotics.”

“Tony, it was mostly about genetics and…”

“Are you going to tell me that Ole Otto knows things about genetics? No, he’s an engineer, who is - frankley - amateurish at best.  I mean metal arms? C’mon.”

“Don’t mind him, he gets like this,” Bruce said to everyone in the room - most of them snickering and giggling.

“Pepper, did you know he was secretly married to Bruce this whole time?” Rhodey said, nearly in tears at how hard he was laughing.  

“Hey, if he wants to clean up after him, I’m fine with it,” Pepper teased.  

“Hey now,” Tony said curling into Pepper.  “I’m not gay. But if I was a girl. I would be gay for you.”

Pepper cupped his face.  “Aw, Tony, that’s so sweet.”  She kissed his forehead.

“Are we really going to skip over the fact that Bruce said he’d do both Steve and Thor?” Sam said with a wide grin.  

“I mean, who wouldn’t?” Bruce defended.  “Look at ‘um.”

“Yeah...look at them,” Natasha said with a wink.  

“I probably would,” Scott joked.

“Alright, alright,” Steve said, trying to get everyone to calm down, while blushing deeply.  

“I would like you all to know that I find all of you worthy of finding me attractive,” Thor said.  

“Alright, this is getting weird, and I’ve only had two beers,” Clint said, shaking his head.  “We should move on -- who’s next?”


	4. Darcy and Loki

Thor threw his head back with a laugh and clapped his hands together.  “Your stories are quite comical,” he said. “But I’m afraid I do not have one of my own.  I have never had the need to pretend to be in love with someone else - people just easily fall in love with me.  And I with them.” He leaned back and thought about it. “Well, there was this one time I falsely thought I was in a relationship with two women at once.  Turns out they were lesbians and I was merely their toy. Ha! Good times.”

Everyone just kind of stared at Thor unbelievably.  

“What?”

Before anyone could answer there was a pop and a flash.  There, in the middle of the living room, appeared Thor’s brother Loki, and holding on to his arm for dear life a woman.  

“Hello dear brother,” Loki said, a smirk on his lips.  “And, oh, an audience, which should make this announcement even more delightful.”  

Everyone tensed, and Thor put a light hand on his hammer.  

The woman, however, defused the room.  “Hey everyone! I don’t think I’ve met any of you yet - I’m Darcy Lewis.  I am an intern for Thor’s girlfriend Jane. Well - ex-girlfriend, cause like, Thor was never around and I mean, it’s hard to be in a relationship with just yourself and  she got lonely and found someone who isn’t quite as chiseled but I mean, lives in the same state…”

“I think you’re greatly over exaggerating, it was a mutual break up,” Thor interjected.  

Darcy ignored him.  “Oh my god, you guys are the Avengers!  Captain America - delicious! Tony Stark! Hey, do you think you could pay off my student loans?  I mean, I did help save the world that one time. Why are there, like, only three women in this room, it’s really sad.  And, some twelve-year-olds? Really?”

“Hey!” Peter said in protest.  “I’m sixteen!”

“Darling,” Loki said, taking Darcy’s hand.  “We really should focus.”

Darcy centered herself.  “Right, focus. Guess what big guy?” Darcy hit Thor in the shoulder.  “I’m gonna be your sister-in-law.”

Loki grinned.  “That’s right - the human girl and I shall be married.”

Thor grimaced.  “Loki, what is this mischief? Did you overhear and feel bad that I did not have a story to tell for this party and therefore wanted to show me up with one of your own?”  

“Uh, I have no idea what you’re talking about but this is kinda the real deal dude,” Darcy lifted her hand to show a bright shiny rock on her ring finger.  “Like, we’re official.”

“I love her and I want her to be my wife,” Loki said, putting an arm around her shoulders and squeezing her.  

“And let’s be real,” Darcy added.  “Am I ever going to do much better.”  

“Um, I think you could,” Natasha said, concerned.  

“Uh, honey,” Pepper said, going for her hand, “maybe we should have a chat in the kitchen.”  

Darcy whipped her hand back.  “No, I know what you’re thinking - and I am not crazy.  He may have a few weird quirks, sure, but he is great in bed.”  

“You are truly amazing,” Loki said, then passionately kissed her - tongue and all.  

The entire room let out a collective groan.  

“Loki, stop this madness,” Thor protested.  

Loki wiggled his eyebrows.  “Why, my brother, jealous?”

“Because you cannot be serious, this must be some sort of jest,” Thor insisted.  

“Okay, okay, it sounds like one of Loki’s schemes,” Darcy said.  “But it ended up a real thing. Do you guys want to hear it?”

Everyone leaned in, unsure if they really wanted to hear this story, but really they did.  

“So, it all started about a year ago…”

\---

_A Year Ago…_

“What do you mean you think I’m crazy?” Darcy shouted into her phone.  She had been to the deli, which was only a few blocks from the office she and Jane worked, when she saw him.  Her ex. Ian. That bastard. “I can see him - he’s across the street in this little cafe, cozied up to some blonde tramp he probably met online.   I mean, he dumped me three days ago, and he’s already got some hussie lined up? I think I have every right to be mad. Jane, c’mon. And just because you’re upset that it didn’t work out with you and He-Man, and the fact that you decided you were giving up all men entirely, doesn’t mean you can’t be here for me now.  What do you mean I should get over it and just bring back lunch? I think I should investigate, I think I should…”

She hadn’t take two more steps when she blindly ran into someone hurriedly walking the other way.  “You awful peon, how dare you intercept my path.”

The two stared at each other.  Darcy couldn’t believe her eyes.  “Thor?” Thor didn’t often walk around in a nicely pressed suit, nor had she ever seen him smirk like that, but it was definitely his face.  

“Why yes, dumb and in the flesh,” Thor cackled.  “I do not sign autographs, however, if you are nice, you can gaze at my bulging biceps.”  

“Thor it’s Darcy…” Thor had never been the brightest bulb in the box, but he usually remembered her.  This was just insulting.

“Oh right, Darcy, I’m sorry if I gave you any infectious disease.  I can’t help that I sleep with so many woman.”

She couldn’t believe what she was hearing.  “You asshole. Just because Jane dumped you doesn’t mean you have to be a giant slut.”  

“Well, I am what I am. Now go away.”  

He tried to push past her, but Darcy grabbed onto his arm.  He tore it away.

So then she slugged him.  

Thor let out a wail, then doubled over in pain.  

“That was for hurting Jane,” Darcy yelled.  “Though I can’t believe you’d ever be so mean.  Jerk.”

Thor, then, began to flicker, and his shape changed.  “You wench, you broke my nose.”

“Oh my god, you’re not Thor at all,” Darcy said, a hand over her mouth.  “You’re his brother. Loki.”

“You’ve got me,” Loki said, holding up his hands.  “You’re glad I heal remarkably fast. Though, I’m sure I’ll have bruising for a week.”  

“Maybe you shouldn’t pretend to be someone you’re not,” Darcy suggested.  

“Clearly, you haven’t met me.”

“Hey, why are you on Earth anyway?” she asked.  Then looked at the building they were standing in front of.  “And at a retirement home?”

“Can’t a god find a nice place to retire?” He gave her a huge grin, then spun on his heel to leave.  

“Are you planning on taking over the world again?” Darcy ran to keep up with him.  

“You moronic beings are hardly worth my time,” Loki said, rolling his eyes.  

“Then why are you here?”

“Like I’m going to divulge my plans to a common, slightly more evolved ape.”  

“Hey,” Darcy grabbed at his arm again.  “If you don’t tell me what you’re up to, I’ll tell Thor that you’re here.”

“Really?” Loki stopped abruptly to stare at her amused.  “And just how will you do that? He doesn’t have a phone. He can barely be reached by raven.”

“Okay, then,” Darcy put her hands on her hips.  “I’ll call Jane, and she’ll call Selvig, and he’ll call The Avengers.”

Loki grunted.  “Fine. What do you to know?”

“What are you up to?”

“Can’t tell you that.”

“Fine, you have to do me a favor then.”  

“Oh, this should be good.”  

Darcy thought about it for a good long moment, then noticed Ian exiting the cafe, the blonde on his arm.  “My ex-boyfriend is across the street - you’re going to help me make him jealous.”

“Seriously?  I do not lower myself to such nonsense.”

“You were just pretending to be Thor.  How hard could it be?” Darcy looped her arm through his.  “Do it, or I’ll have all the Avengers down here, including the Hulk, in ten minutes.”  

Loki groaned, but followed her lead.  

Darcy made sure they stood right in the path of Ian, and forced Loki’s arms around her.  “Okay - now tell me how beautiful I am and how amazing I am and…”

“I get it,” Loki snarled.  Just as Ian was about to pass, Loki dipped her, and looked deeply into her eyes.  “My darling, ever the the single drop of morning dew on a fresh, mountain flower. Your cheeks the ever pale moonlight on the rippling sea. You’re eyes are like, dark pools enchanting me to come hither.   You are my love, my life, my light, and I must have you now and always.”

Unexpectedly, he kissed her.   And... it wasn’t that bad.

In fact - Darcy found herself kind of enjoying it.  He was ever-so tender as he kissed her, way gentler than his otherwise demeanor would suggest.   She couldn’t help but rake her hands through his hair, which was, strangely, soft and velvety. His hands roamed her back, comforting and strong.  She was beginning to feel things she didn’t even know she could feel. Okay, time to stop.

“Wow,” she said breathlessly as they broke apart.  

“Huh,” he considered, as he continued to hold her.  “That was unexpectedly delightful.”

“Well, I have been known to be wicked with my tongue,” Darcy poked him in the chest and giggled.

“Hmm. Interesting.” Loki licked his lips.  “Has our contract been satisfied?”

“Uh…” She looked around, but Ian was nowhere to be seen.  She suddenly didn’t care at all. “I guess so, but you know, if you wanna explore this farce a little further.  I’m, uh, open to experimentation. You know, if you’re not busy doing something naughty.”

Loki wiggled his eyebrows.  “I’m not currently doing anything naughty, but I could be persuaded…”

\-----

_Present Day..._

Darcy stopped talking, taking pleasure in how Loki was enjoying the memory as much as she was.

“Uh that’s it?” Bruce looked around at everyone else, making sure they were as confused as he was.   “That’s the story?”

“Well,” Loki said.  “I could go on to tell you that I then whisked her away to make unbridled and passionate love on top of that monstrous tower you are all fond of.  Her thighs are strong and powerful, when wrapped around my waist. Able to withstand as I…”

“Okay,” Steve interjected.  “I can’t unhear that.”

“Tower?” Tony asked.  “As in Avengers’ tower? Damn, I’m going to have to sell it now, aren’t I?”  

Thor looked sternly at his brother.  “How do we know this is not another of your jests, and that our dear Darcy has been nothing but another play thing in one of your ridiculous scams.”  

Loki tilted his head.  “Well, I shall admit, at first, it was nothing more than a game…”

“You bastard.”  Darcy slapped him across the face.  

“Yes, darling,” Loki said, cupping his own cheek.   “I suppose I deserve that. But I was going to say that you’ve become the actual delight of my life, and I could not imagine another waking moment without you at my side.”  

“Awww, isn’t he so sweet.”  Darcy leaped into his arms, and began to kiss him.  They crumpled to the floor as the began to make out.  

“Well, isn’t this a delightful turn of events?” Thor said, raising a glass.  “To my brother and his new fiancee. As King of Asgard, I will prepare a rightful feast.  And you are all welcomed guests at my brother’s wedding. Who would like to help with such festivities?”  

The entire room, again, let out a collective groan.  


End file.
